Gilderoy The Idiot
by Inky Pirate
Summary: Old Lockhart is such a good fellow! His every deed leads to either death or chaos. What couldn't be more appealing? Rated T for being gruesome. Yummers! Review please


**I really am fond of Gilderoy Lockhart. There's just so much to poke fun at. Hehehe…**

Gilderoy Lockhart threw back the covers as he stumbled unceremoniously from his bed. He tripped over his bunny slippers instead of bothering to put them on. Once in his bathroom he looked into the mirror, at what appeared to be a red patchy strawberry with a thatch of carpet fringe on top. My, what a morning face he had today.

A half an hour later, Lockhart emerged from the bathroom, leaving behind him an empty bag of makeup, a wig touchup kit, three drained cans of hair spray, and about an ounce of scum in the bottom of the sink. Oh but didn't he look glorious! His shimmering hair wavered in the dingy glow of his night light, which was still plugged in. His lips puckered childishly, his eyes dazzled!

_Meanwhile, down in the waterworks below his apartment, a poor muggle worker fixing the drainage was assailed by the suffocating fumes of 12 ounces of Mystique hairspray (if that's how much got drained away, just think how much is in Lockhart's hair). In an ultimate state of "high", he lost his footing and plunged 10 feet into the watery waste below, cracking his skull on the submerged brickwork. Owchy mama…_

Feeling glamorous, Lockhart drifted into the kitchen, past his pet parrot, Fredrico. Oh dear, the poor thing seemed to be choking! Lockhart quickly and efficiently performed the Heimlich maneuver on the unfortunate creature and hurried on his way.

_Meanwhile, Fredrico, who previously had been warming up his vocals for a particularly difficult song (Someone Saved My Life Tonight by Elton John) gave one last feeble squawk before croaking completely, having had his poor little organs squished by that foolish ape._

The big book signing was today! Oh goody! Lockhart could barely contain his excitement as he shoveled down half a chocolate cake. It was for his latest and exceedingly popular volume, Mincing With Mermaids. The oaf who had actually accomplished this feat had been particularly difficult to dispatch. Having been unusually resistant to the memory charm, he had had to resort to the old fashioned ways, namely knocking him out with a large rock. Lockhart idly wondered why the fellow hadn't woken up, even after four days tied up in the cellar. Shrugging, he tossed his dirty dishes into the sink and proceeded to water his plants, after which he headed toward his cloak closet.

_Meanwhile, his two plants, both shrivelfigs, withered and died, having just had an ounce of orange juice poured into their roots._

What color today, he wondered. Something to match the weather? Or something to match his splendid mood? How about both? What a good idea. Since the sun was shining so brightly (probably to celebrate my immense success, though Lockhart), he chose a bright yellow cloak with green trim. They were such cheery colors!

Properly dressed and looking fabulous, Lockhart drifted into the streets, flashing a dazzling smile to all around him.

_So dazzling and blinding in fact, that it caused a head-on collision between two little wizards flying nearby and also an elderly witch airing out her laundry to drop her size x underwear onto the head of a gentleman walking three stories below._

A red flower for his buttonhole would make him even more stunning, he decided. So off he went to Gwen's Paranormal Primrose Stand, where he chose a dandy little blue blossom that contrasted brilliantly with his robes. Feeling so cheerful, he gave Gwen a twenty galleon tip and glided on his way, with no need of thanks.

_Gwen was so shocked by this charity that she was frozen completely. Standing in the open with a fist full of gold is not a good idea she might have later learned, had not a nasty little wizard blasted her through the bakery window to grab at the glittering money. This not only left her with many cuts and chronic memory loss, but also the workers inside the shop to had to deal with the job of prodding her out of a fifty gallon vat of raspberry jam._

Oblivious to all but his reflection in the passing windows, Lockhart happily went on his way. That is until another worldly problem aroused his hero's instinct. Over there! That poor fellow was dangling from a tree. He must be saved!

"Not to worry, Gilderoy's coming!" bellowed Lockhart as he strode toward the menace tree. "I shall get you out, never fear!"

He then proceeded to put a charm on the tree, causing it to shake violently. He increased his efforts as the wizard's terrified wails reached his ears. There, he had it! With a splat, the man plummeted to the cobblestone street below, a smile of gratitude on his face. Gilderoy brushed down his robes, and helped him sit up, leaning him against the menace tree.

"There there, my dear fellow, all is well again. No need to thank me! Haha."

And he headed on his way, whistling a tune as he went.

_Meanwhile, the poor fellow, having previously been up a tree to retrieve his wife's favorite black cat (she had been so angry she had hidden his wand), slumped soggily onto the pavement, which he had hit upon falling at about fifteen miles per hour. Just before blacking out, the ladder that had been leaning against the trunk, and which he had used to scale the thing, came crashing down on top of his head. There was a tiny meow of anguish as the cat he had landed on went off to join Fredrico. _

Lockhart did many good deeds between the Alchemy Stand and Harold's Bewitched Barbershop. He clapped a woebegone-looking man heartily on the back as he passed…_ultimately_ _leading to the gentleman being sent headfirst into a barrel of flesh eating slugs. It wasn't pretty, believe me…_He removed a precariously perched brick (with much huffing and puffing, seeing as how the brick was not perched, but only jutting out from the rest of its fellows) from a nearby wall. It could have fallen any moment and knocked someone out after all. …._Coincidentally, this brick was an essential piece in the entire wall, and upon being removed, Martha McGlop was sent (along with the complete side of her house) crashing into the streets in her bath tub. Twelve people perished beneath the tons of stonework…_Lockhart carried on, stopping to pick up a girl's lollipop that she had dropped…_which really wasn't a lollipop, but a land mine that someone had planted there, and which she had been carefully trying to avoid. The boom was not coincidental to Lockhart as he left behind a smoldering pile of ash with two pig tails on top._

My goodness! There was a large ring of metal in the middle of the street. Someone could trip and hurt themselves! Lockhart heaved on the ring of metal, so as to remove it from its dangerous position. It seemed to be attached to a stone disc. Man this could really kill someone. When the deed was done and the obstruction had been removed, Lockhart was filled with satisfaction that he had saved an unknown amount of people from a horrible fate.

_Meanwhile, nearly twenty people suffered from broken limbs or drowning, having fallen down a man hole whose lid had been taken off._

In a tremendously good mood, Lockhart arrived at the book store where he would hold his signing. His pictures flashed their teeth at him from nearly every window. Many people had lined up to get a glimpse of his splendour. With a sigh of contentment, he entered and closed the door.

_Meanwhile, the angry mob of wizards and witches that had been sneaking up behind him hid their wands behind their backs as they caught sight of the anxious people waiting outside the bookstore to get autographs. Why worry these people? They would get upset. With exasperated sighs, the got rid of their weapons, pulled out their copies of Mincing With Mermaids, and joined the throng, quite anxious for an autograph too. _

**I had wanted it longer, but I ran out of gruesome mishaps. I will leave this story unfinished in case I ever come up with some more. Please review. Peace out. **


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